I Want Candy

It’s Halloween week. Or, why not, Hallo-week. I’m not as excited this year as I have been during years’ past, and I think I know why.

No, it has nothing to do with my costume and the fact I don’t have it yet. Last year a dashing Samantha Ronson look came together quite nicely very last minute. This year’s plans to be either Rachel Zoe or Mrs. Officer (in honor of one of my all-time favorite Weezy F. Baby songs)– maybe even both– should be as fun and easy to pull off. But as I said earlier, this is not what’s plaguing me.

The real issue? I want candy. I want fun-sized milk chocolate-coated nougat that has a chewy caramel layer specked with crunchy peanuts, and I want eight of them. (Because for some peculiar reason I’ll always be able to eat countless mini versions of Snickers, but never a whole candy bar.) Thanks to veganism, I will not be able to indulge in my favorite trashy candies this year. This post is dedicated to those who will be sorely missed.

Candy corn, why must you be made with honey? I realize that tricks a lot of people into thinking your friendly tri-colored self is somewhat healthy. Obviously, you’re not, but I once liked to believe that– if not for my physical health, then at least for my mental. You were a loyal study companion, always at the ready to be popped into my mouth. I’ll miss your tooth-ache-inducing addictiveness.

Reese’s peanut butter cups, you contain two of my favorite things on the planet: chocolate and peanut butter. It’s truly the most joyous flavor combination. Ever. Unfortunately, you also host a myriad of milk and milk-derived ingredients that won’t work for me. Don’t you remember how I fought for you/stole you from my little brother’s pillowcase after a long night of trick-or-treating? Did that mean nothing? And it’s completely unfair that I discovered your younger sister Fast Break only a year ago.  Let’s not go there.

Baby Ruth, I apologize for not recognizing your deliciousness until later in my life. As a child, I dismissed you for your baseballish name. I had no idea something so masculine-sounding could call to my feminine needs tastes for sweet silky chocolate and give-my-jaw-a-workout caramel so well. Later, I convinced myself I was getting a solid dose of protein by consuming all those peanuts wrapped in your chocolate coating, though in actuality, I’d never glanced at your nutrition stats.

M&M’s, Hershey’s bars, Reese’s Pieces, I’ll miss you too. Know that I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m just allocating my energy to vegan geniuses in hopes that they come up with alternatives soon. They’ve already dominated the marshmallow and Snickers, so I shall remain confident in their abilities.

Until then, milk chocolate candy of yore, I’ll wish I hadn’t gone vegan every time I see an empty wrapper of yours smashed on the sidewalk. Thankfully, I have lists like the one supplied by VegNews to point me to sugary ways to happily get through this not-so-vegan holiday. But really, Twizzlers and Dum-Dums are far cries from the rich, melt-on-my-face (not in my hand or in my mouth) cheap chocolates of my previous 18 Halloweens. That’s assuming I could eat candy at age three. Oh, and will power, I’m counting on you.

Question: What’s your favorite candy of all time?

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